Finding out that your spouse is cheating on you can be one of the most devastating moments. A person cheated on feels a wide range of emotions, including anger, betrayal, and the destruction of trust in their spouse. If you have discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful to you, you may be wondering whether you can reconcile after the affair. Ultimately, the answer to this question will depend on you and your unique situation. If you decide to pursue reconciling with your spouse, here are some mistakes you should avoid.
- Take Revenge
After being cheated on, you may feel like you have been betrayed. Wanting to take revenge on your spouse is understandable, but before you embark on revenge, take time to process the emotions you are having. Trying to seek revenge could make the situation even worse and harm you in the end. Emotions can be heightened, and people involved in infidelity-related revenge may not be able to control themselves, resulting in catastrophic outcomes.
- Ask Too Many Questions
After learning about an affair, it can be tempting to ask lots of different questions about the affair. Talking about these details can be a form of torture because you will not be happy with the answers, whatever they are. Constantly asking questions and acting paranoid will not help the reconciliation process run smoothly.
- Ask Too Few Questions
On the other hand, it is also possible to ask too few questions. For some people, it is easier to avoid the situation than to ask questions about what happened. You should ask some basic questions about how long the affair has been going on because the answer will help you decide on the best path to reconciliation. You should also ask about your partner’s feelings for the other person involved. Are they really in love, or did they make a mistake in a drunken stupor one night? The answer to this question can inform how you want to move forward.
- Lash Out or Swallow Your Feelings
There are two common responses to learning that a spouse has been having an affair. First, you may want to lash out angrily and scream at your spouse. For others, they may try to repress their feelings and shut down. Feelings are not bad, and it is important that you allow yourself to experience your feelings fully in the weeks and months after learning about the affair. Learning about infidelity can feel like going through the stages of grief. You will have moments of ups and downs, but it is important not to ignore your feelings.
- Become Defensive
It can be tempting to become defensive when you learn that an affair has happened. Whether or not you had a solid marriage or are going through a rough patch at the time, you may become defensive if your spouse tries to explain why they engaged in an affair. It is important to remember that there are not any perfect marriages. When infidelity happens, the spouses have stopped working together well in one or more ways. If you would like to reconcile, it is important not to self-blame or point fingers. Try to admit responsibility for your missteps in the marriage.
- Constantly Bringing Up the Infidelity
When the spouse who has cheated wants to reconcile, it is important that the other spouse does not continually bring up the affair. The spouse who has been cheated on may bring up the affair when the couple gets into an argument. It is also important that the spouse who has been cheated on does not blame themselves for the partner stepping out. At the same time, remember that it does take two people working together to enjoy a solid and healthy bond. Bringing up the affair over and over as they got you will not help you reconcile with your spouse.
- Sharing Too Many Details With Other People
Talking to trusted friends and family about the affair can help you process what is going on and feel better. However, it is not wise to share intimate details of your personal relationship. Before you disclose these details, you may want to discuss them with your partner. Stepping out of the marital union with someone else is a disrespectful step, but it is also disrespectful to spread all of the details through your circles of influence. Once you discuss the affair, you cannot take those words back. At some point your partner will socialize with these people again and may feel shame if you have already told them all the details.
- Not Seeking Therapy
If you have experienced infidelity, it is crucial that you seek out help from a neutral third party. Therapists have training regarding reconciliation after an affair. They can help you repair and renew your marriage relationship. You will need to redevelop trust together, and a professional can help you through the process without excessive blame and divisiveness.
- Post About the Infidelity on Social Media
It is important not to post about infidelity on social media. It can feel good to receive comments about how wrong your spouse was to treat you like this, but it will not help you reconcile with your spouse. If you pursue a divorce, social media posts could come back to haunt you and make it more difficult for you to obtain the terms you would like.
- Involve the Children
If you have children, it is essential that you are careful what you say to them regarding the affair. Your children should not be involved in what is happening with the private matters between you and your spouse. Do not talk about stories related to your spouse because it is disrespectful to your partner, and it can also be harmful to your children.
Discuss Your Situation With Divorce Concierge Today
If reconciliation is not an option and you decide to pursue a divorce, you need an experienced attorney on your side. At Divorce Concierge, we provide our clients with affordable, flat-rate divorce services. If you are interested in an uncontested divorce in Texas, contact us to schedule your free case evaluation.